Things change

Mike & Noah, originally uploaded by laniee75.

This photo is one of my favorites of Mike. I probably already put it up on this blog somewhere but I like it so much that I don't care. I love Noah's dirty little face and his new mohawk and the way he has his little arms around his daddy's neck. And I love the look on Mike's face because it's the face he makes a lot when the kids are having fun with him. If you know Mike you know he's not a really smiley person and he's also not one to talk about feelings or talk much at all. It just makes my heart melt when he and my kids share little moments like this because they are somewhat rare. My kids can bring things out of him that I never could.

Oh yeah, change. That's what I wanted to write about. I've had a busy week with school, Mike's foot surgery, out-of-school things like graduations and trips. Today is the first day I have any time to just sit and not have to worry about what needs to be done (well, that's not exactly true because we do have the orthodontist at 4:00 and VBS at 6:30). So I'm sitting here on the computer, checking email, facebook, flickr to see what my friends are up to. And then I realized, I haven't seen or talked to my best friend since BEFORE we left for Disney. Things haven't been the same with us since...gosh, I can't even remember when it was but it's been months. We used to talk almost every day. I miss her. But I don't know how to make things go back to how they were. I don't know if it's possible which is a change because we have NEVER had a time where we couldn't just start up where we left off and have the same friendship we always had. It's hard to take that step and reach out now because I feel guilty. I feel as if I've abandoned her even if it was because I had to step back for a while. I don't know what I should do. I love her dearly, I always will. But something has changed and part of me is ok with it. And that just starts up the feelings of guilt again.

Another change is the way things are going at home. I'm used to taking the kids and doing what ever we want over the summer. We normally spend a lot of time at my mom's or my dad's swimming, playing outside, "camping" or just whatever we want. Now I have Mike who can't make his own meals (well, he can make them but he can't relocate them on crutches) so I have to be here. It's not forever and I am trying SO hard to be a good wife and understand that this is what a wife does. But I feel resentful because all of a sudden our summer is limited to things that allow us to be close by so he's not alone and starving. I don't want to be this way. And I just keep telling myself that it's only one summer. And it's probably not as bad as I think. We could spend the night somewhere and he'd just have to find a way to make it work but then I worry that he's going to feel neglected. I'm just NOT a nurturing person when it comes to my husband. And he's not when it comes to me. It's just the way we are. It's the way we've always been. I remember one time I was violently ill (I won't get into details but let me just say it was one of those times you just didn't know which end to "cover" first) all night and when I told him I was staying home from work he basically told me I needed to go to work because I wasn't "that sick". And, stupid me, I listened and somehow made it to work only to be told by my boss that I better get home because I didn't look well. That's just Mike. He is the one who probably would have told me to "toughen up" while pushing his sons into the world if I hadn't threatened him first. So when he has a broken foot, is pretty much taking up my entire living room and TV and can't even get his own drink, yeah...I am tempted to tell him to "toughen up".

Mike's surgery went well. He has a screw in his 5th metatarsal and is in a splint (half cast) for 2 weeks and then he should get a short cast. He won't be able to put any weight on his foot for at least 4 weeks. His doctor is awfully cute. I told Mike I may break my foot.
He also got tiny cookies after his surgery and tried to slow his heartrate like a ninja. I have it all on video. He doesn't remember most of it.

Well, I'm off to read a book. The kids are watching Star Wars and Mike's using MY tv so I'll just go read some more.